last night I woke up from a dream and couldn’t breathe and get back to sleep – had to sit-up to facilitate the airflow.  I think I experienced what I can only describe it as my first “panic” attack – it felt similar to one of my claustrophobic bouts. Maybe I’m just “slow’ but after nearly a decade after my unnamed ABI, it was my first dream that I could remember where I was “disabled”.  Maybe it was acceptance or realisation. Or (seeing as it’s been really cold lately) I only do half of my daily exercises.  Or the news feature on assisted dying and how close Victoria is to passing draft legislation.  Regardless of what brought it about, my family is better off with my pension, so I better continue to suck it up. I’m really tired – I just need my “second wind”.

running in place (2)

June 29, 2017

another reason I exercise daily is so that I can propel myself further when the wheelchair is equiped with rim grips and so I can open ‘heavy’ doors (especially for the toilet) independently.  I usually have a light lunch to help keep my weight in check(because I indulge occasionally in tasty food) so I can ‘easily’ push myself with a walker, to help reduce the injury when I sometimes fall, and make it ‘easier’ for the person pushing (or infrequently lifting) me on a wheelchair (if I can’t roll myself).

running in place

June 28, 2017

sometimes treading water is the ‘best’ option albeit somewhat frustrating (we can’t always be running towards or running away from something as comedian Wil Anderson deftly puts it).  Next week, I resume seeing Physio students weekly.  I do this and see a NeuroPhysicalTherapist about once a month to help prevent further decline.  Moreover, I exercise daily (except when I’m not well) to maintain my health and to increase my endorphins as I now have to stay home (whereas I used to hold at least two jobs before my ABI).  I’m now working on a doctorate to help pass the time and keep my mind occupied.  Furthermore, I take certain supplements to help boost my health as no medication can be prescribed to me.

Sure there are days (more infrequent now after all these years) when I don’t feel like doing much but force of habit can be of great benefit at these times.  I don’t want to wallow in self-pity or play the disability card but the sad reality is most of society (even in this day and age) only understands when these are emphasised.  On one hand, we need to show empowerment and focus on what we can do; on the other, we need to show vulnerability (this is especially hard for me given my nature and the manner in which I was raised).   Good thing my wife and son are generally ‘happy’ and complement me and act as a foil to my inherent negativity.  In short, achieving balance is tricky and I don’t pretend to always get it right but I try my darnedest (as by default I have always done this).

Aligning what was expected of me and my current situation is a real challenge. I’m on the road to acceptance but still have a ways to go.

as time goes by

April 12, 2017

last night a friend (who was also a student at UniMelb and now based in Sydney) had dinner at our house.  It’s been years since we last saw her.  Maybe it was the shared experience but it was a confluence of factors (including our “academic” tendencies and that we didn’t share accommodation).  I’ve got few friends because of my numerous quirks but when you meet someone, you just know if you’ll get along with them.  I’m not that nostalgic but it was good to catch up on “old” times

radio silence

April 3, 2017

i may not post much on this blog for the foreseeable future because one of my Ph.D. supervisors asked me to set-up another private one that’s sort of a diary holding various design considerations  for my app and such. Lately, I’ve been more “active” on the other one as it’s beginning to wind down and it takes a lot of effort for me to type at least two posts.