thank you

December 16, 2016

i began writing this for me, my family and my friends.  While 50 followers is drop in the sea of social media, I appreciate that other people find the time to read it.  Thank you very much!

patience (is a virtue)

November 29, 2016

we are born with two ears and one mouth – having difficulties speaking has led me to listen more (but that deserves another entry of its own).  Common practice dictates that you should hold off for 24 hours on sending an emotionally (or alcoholic) induced e-mail, text or tweet (much like counting down from 10 or taking long, deep breaths can aid in dissipating excess emotion). If you still think it’s appropriate later on then go for it – I guess making it difficult to type has its perks and writing a post over a few days helps me to reflect and reevaluate more.  Despite my Vulcan-like demeanor, I exhibit more human behavior now. If I still really feel strongly about something, I can blog about it.  That said, my words need to be tempered by the saying: “it’s easier to condemn than to convince.”  Sure, sometimes it’s hubris but at times it’s simply therapy, expression or observation.  This is not a “manifesto” to abstain from commentary, it’s just one should be able to distinguish what one’s true purpose is.  Having a combination of these factors is not necessarily a bad thing:  it’s being conscious of what’s subjective versus objectivity that’s important.  Intentions (and motivations) need to be transparent.

A “wise” editor once told me that everything is political and that being apolitical is a political choice.  I’ve since embraced this tenet – after all, our thinking is not only a function of our genes but also of our experiences.  Sometimes it can look like I’m fence-sitting when I just don’t have enough facts or am considering the nuances – the devil is in the details after all.  The question I ask is how, if at all, does this affect me or my family?  Sure, I’ve got opinions about many things but does it really matter in the grand scheme of thing or is the motivation so that I feel better.

I used to think that it was “simply” a matter of quality over quantity.  But to paraphrase the Pulitzer-prize author, Jennifer Egan, one needs to write regularly, even badly at times, to be able to ultimately write well.  In this vein, I pour my writing into one document – not everything makes it to be published under my blog; not everything is meant to be shared with the rest of the world (some are best left as “inner” dialogue – look at the trouble Homer’s gotten into throughout the years).   That said, perfect can be the enemy of good so it can also be helpful to get something out there and not “oversanitise” or self-censor everything.  From experience, some comments can be constructively critical and useful for refining your thoughts and others you need to consider with a grain of salt (public spaces can be a great boon but also a huge bane at the same time – wisdom of the crowd vs. trolls and haters).

better days

October 28, 2014

To paraphrase an expression from the cancer community, you can either be bitter or better. Not to be melodramatic but the same applies to living with a disability.   I’ve felt both – more of the latter lately. All of us with a “problem” can be overwhelmed – there’s no monopoly for this it’s just certain cases are “easier” for us to understand. I know logically that statistically speaking, there are no “bad” days but it sure sometimes feels that way – so does it really matter anyway. Perception is often considered more than reality. Having a shitty day affects our mood – it’s alright to feel this way as long as we keep this to a minimum and are fully aware of our resulting actions (at least that’s what I tell myself) . I’m Human after all and not an Econ. I can’t always be rationale (although generally I think I am). I’m not always logical or an automaton despite my computing background. I’m no paragon of how to behave but I think (hopefully) I’m gradually getting better at accepting it. Like an addict you’re never completely “cured” – every day’s a struggle.

Things won’t necessarily get better as the day progresses but my attitude and how I can handle things can certainly improve. It’s hard for me because my worldview is closer to Marc Maron than it is to Polyanna. Like Jim Jeffries in Legit, I should learn to just make the “best” out of “bad” situations. In short, I should try not to be so grumpy all the time.

I felt like this before I acquired my disability and I feel it now. Some of my views have changed but not all of them – surely in my case it’s just not solely out of life experiences but exposure to others’ thoughts. I’ve used exercise as an outlet lately but have to write sometimes even if it’s difficult. The former doesn’t allow me to express myself and have a “voice.”

call me (maybe)

December 20, 2013

my mum calls every weekend. It’s structured the same (not that I’m complaining) – on reflection, the consistency of it all seems to bring me some  comfort.  She did this even before my before my condition – I guess she thinks it’s more important now. Our chats have always been brief – I’ve never been much of a talker.  Most would say it’s a bit ritualistic – but knowing the intent behind it changes the context. Maybe it’s force of habit or force of nature but I don’t reciprocate even if I know I should. I don’t expect it but I’ll miss it if it stops.

turn that frown upside down

November 12, 2013

psychologists say that the act of smiling can change your mood.  As anyone that knows me can attest, I’m naturally grumpy – so much so that my son calls me a Grinch even if I’m not anti-Christmas (I’m not a big fan of carols though.) I’ve always believed that one needs to be true to one’s self but trying a “forced” smile is worth it to experience some happiness.

Not because of this week’s homily but because of the actions of others – if it doesn’t affect me than to each his own.  Yesterday when I was at church, some one had the audacity to park perpendicular across  2 disabled parking spots and they didn’t even have a permit.  It’s not uncommon for people to park in spots they shouldn’t. If the lot slots is chokers, then it can happen but I can’t seem to get around it when there are “clearly” vacant slots.  A gentleman was using the special stall in the men’s toilet – that would have been quite understandable if it were full because nobody can ignore nature’s call.  What got to me is that it was completely empty save for him. It can “easily” lead to the impression that they feel they are more “important” than the rest of us. No country has a monopoly on selfishness – wherever I go this frustrating and infuriating behavior is present.  I know that I express my anger in unhealthy ways: I either overreact or bottle it up – Lord knows I’m trying.  Some individuals make it difficult to believe that people are inherently “good”. I shudder to think what these people would do if they held any “real” power.

relax don’t do it

July 26, 2013

it’s not like I don’t understand people when they say “just” relax – no matter how hard I try,  sometimes my body has other ideas.  Not that it is so easy (as I’ve learned from experience).  My being highly strung and a control freak certainly doesn’t help matters.  It’s a skill to be mastered – for me at least.

I usually go “floppy” for physiotherapist but sometimes you’ve got to remind me.  I try to breathe to quell my instinct to offer up any resistance – most of the time it works. It’s not as easy as some people think or make it out to be.  It may sound counter-intuitive – but I have to expend a lot  of energy to get to the required state of relaxation.