killing me softly

Not to be overly dramatic but i am a shadow of what i was once. i used to have two jobs – now i don’t work anymore. i can no longer help around the house and i am  not allowed to drive – instead i must be driven. i can no longer take the bus and must take a cab.  In a word, i am useless.

No matter how hard i try or what i do, i am still the same. i  have thought of taking my own life (actually i have entertained the thought more than once) but i am more useful alive than dead ( i.e my incapacity pension helps with the home loan) but i have to learn to be strong.  For my wife as she has sacrificed so much.  For my son as i need to watch him grow up.   Besides, i want to be there for my younger brother’s wedding and my in-laws golden anniversary.

Some people say that if i get better i will do this or that.   Doing good is predictaed on them getting better.  i must do something. Bless my Mum and wife for praying that i get better but i’ve got to slowly accept my fate.